AILSA CHANG, HOST:
Preparing a full Thanksgiving feast with all of its side dishes and gravies and jellies - it can be a real labor of love, right? I mean, I should know because whenever I go home to visit my parents, no matter what time of year it is, my mom cooks me my own personal feast - not just one dish or two but more like nine dishes of food for one meal. I'm totally serious. And as I'm sitting at that kitchen table, ramming a pair of chopsticks into my mouth, stuffing my face, my mom just sits there, staring at me. She's never eating. She just wants to watch me eat.
And I've come to understand that this is how my mother shows love. At least it feels less creepy when I understand it that way. And as we head into the holiday season, we wanted to take a moment to think about these wordless acts of love with Jocelyn Chung. She wrote a children's book called "When Love Is More Than Words." It's all about the unique ways her family members show their love for her. And she stopped by the NPR West studio recently to talk with me all about it.
It is so great to see you here at NPR West after - what? - more than nine months since our team interviewed you in Taiwan. Welcome.
JOCELYN CHUNG: Thank you so much. It's so nice to finally be back with you again and on this side of the world.
CHANG: It's amazing. I just want to start with the very first pages of this book where you write, some people say they love you with hugs, kisses and three special words. I love you. But in my family, we do something different. Can I just ask, like, when did you first start noticing there was a difference between how your family showed love and how others did? I mean, you lived in Taiwan for a while, but you grew up in America.
CHUNG: So I grew up in a family with four generations, and I always saw myself in that context. And I remember going to, like, a white best friend's house and their grandma and their mom just being, I love you so much, honey. I love you so much. And I was - my body - I was so uncomfortable. I was like, what do I do with this? And then I started to get a little jealous.
CHANG: Yeah.
CHUNG: Oh, how come they always say I love you? And I remember almost having a mini confrontation with my mom of, like, why don't you say I love you like Rachel's (ph) parents? And she just looked back at me, and she was like, look at all the things that I do for you - you know, the fruit. Do I have to say that I love you? And it was in those moments that I started to have more language for the unspoken.
CHANG: Absolutely. And sometimes you can only see that love when you look back in time - right? - like, because it's funny. For me, some of the most embarrassing memories I have as a kid when I felt the most self-conscious about my parents were times when they were showing love and dedication to me. Like, I was running for student office in junior high school, and when I had to give a campaign speech at a school assembly, my mom went to the front of the auditorium to videotape me at the podium, and everyone was noticing. So many people were laughing at the spectacle, and I was mortified, but she was so proud of me. Do you have an embarrassing example like that (laughter)? Please tell me you do.
CHUNG: I remember at graduations - now you're stirring up these memories for me - at graduations just...
CHANG: Traumatize each other right now.
CHUNG: Yes, Grandpa, like, in the front, huge, full-size iPad, screen to the face, you know, fully crouched down and angled right. And I remember seeing that and laughing and also at the same time just being like, oh, yeah, he's so proud.
CHANG: Yeah.
CHUNG: It's just unbridled. They don't care that - what people are seeing of them. They're just so proud of you.
CHANG: Exactly. Can you tell me more about how you picked these illustrated scenes of, like, your grandma reading your palm or your grandpa building these cardboard creations with you? Like, were these just the first memories that came to mind when you thought of each of them, or was there something else?
CHUNG: So these were very visceral memories that I wanted to capture from my childhood. My grandpa was constantly building and creating things. You know, tennis balls, old toilet paper rolls - you know, whatever it is that he could find, he would try to make something and make it into, like, a mini world for us to play. And for my grandma reading my palm - that's something that she just would do every time she saw me. My a ma, my grandma - she would grab my hand and look at it and just study it, and she would just trace her soft fingers between each of my palms. I remember her holding it once and being like, it's really hot. Your hand is really hot. It means your heart is full of worries. Like, are you OK?
CHANG: Aww (ph).
CHUNG: And I remember crying in her arms...
CHANG: Yeah.
CHUNG: ...When she said that and just feeling, wow, I feel so seen. And so it was these tender moments of joy and creation with my grandpa and also, you know, really feeling seen and held by my grandma that I really wanted to capture.
CHANG: So you were, like, a worried little kid. Your grandma saw right through that.
CHUNG: Yeah, yeah. She saw those things. And, you know, I really have to give it to my illustrator, Julia Kuo. She just did a beautiful job inviting readers into these scenes where there's, you know, ingredients flying everywhere. There's family, and there's fruit flying around. And there's a warmth of these familial home scenes...
CHANG: Yeah.
CHUNG: ...That really draw the reader in, and she did an incredible job.
CHANG: I absolutely love the pictures in this book. Did you ever wish your family was more demonstrative with words rather than actions? Like, did you ever crave that as a kid, beyond going to Rachel's house when you heard the I love yous?
CHUNG: Yeah, I did. I think that saying I love you is as important as showing how you love that person. And I think now, as I've gotten older, I've felt grounded in understanding that my family comes from their cultural experiences and the sum of their generations and the context that they grew up in in Taiwan. And also, for me, I've grown up in the West, and I've grown up in the U.S., and verbally expressing your love and your care for someone is also important. And so...
CHANG: Words matter.
CHUNG: Yes.
CHANG: Yeah.
CHUNG: And so there is a balance, and now I find myself in this beautiful spot where I can see that the wordless and the words both have their place.
CHANG: If you could talk to any kids out there right now who are struggling to feel close to their parents or who aren't always sure that they're loved, do you have any words of advice or reassurance for them?
CHUNG: I think it's to remember that we are loved by a village of people around us, whether it's our parents, our guardians, our teachers, the grown-ups in our life and our friends, even. Those are all people who show that they love and care for you in different ways, and as long as you have the eyes to look around and see and notice, then you will realize that you are surrounded by love in a multitude of different ways.
CHANG: Jocelyn Chung's new book is called "When Love Is More Than Words" - illustrations by Julia Kuo. Thank you so much, Jocelyn. It was so beautiful to speak to you again here.
CHUNG: Thank you so much for having me.
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